Attack of the Killer Costs - Escape to Fairfield Halls.
It promises a thrilling ride where our councillors, faced with an onslaught of unstable balance sheets, come up with a brilliant scheme to rescue the cash flow and bring the prized movie reel back to the cheering crowds. Of course it's all a work of fiction.
The opening scenes show an elderly couple, bathed in sunshine, meeting up with friends to spend some time enjoying their retirement, well earned from a lifetime of honest endeavour. The purpose built theatre welcomes them in to a sanctuary well away from the smelly popcorn and unappealing blockbusters of the local VUE cinema which is aiming at a very different market. "Good job I don't want to see any of those films" remarks one "I'd never get up the steps!" But as they chuckle their way into the Clocktower the camera zooms in showing a sinister group watching bitterly in the wings.
"I want it for MYSELF!" screams Fairfield Hall director Jon Rouse as he slams his fist onto the table. "But Massster, you are the CEO of Croydon Council, you can do whatever you want. After all you have already shut nearly all the arts in the borough while swiping £1.5million of public money for us" his minions try to appease him. "Oh yes, haven't I just." The memory pleases him for a moment, but not for long." It's no good, those bloody bloggers are starting to smell a rat. You'll have to do it. Just wait till I'm gone." "Yes Massster" Sara's eyes turned hard. As cabinet member for customer services, culture and sport, she loved shutting down public services, even if it cost money instead of saving it. "This'll be just like the libraries, that was great fun and I'll get myself all over the papers again. No such thing as bad publicity. Voters usually vote for names they recognise, and they'll remember me for years. God, I love power." It had been another great day.
Sara's plans were soon in place to discourage visitors. Shut on Sundays, shut on Tuesday evenings, poor website, reduced advertising, reduced mailing lists. They could claim to be reducing costs even though the running of the Clocktower would still have to be paid despite the reduced income from shutting the cinema. David Lean - Croydon success story. Sara shuddered. "Hardly bears thinking about" she thought, "And now all these lovies coming out in support too. Ronnie Corbett. Julian Fellows. JULIAN BLOODY FELLOWS? A TORY LORD?. Still, I bet when push comes to shove he'll still vote for us rather than any of the others."
The only issue troubling Sara was the City Status bid. Who the hell would move into a city shutting down, or privatising, its art houses, libraries, care homes, etc. "I could say it was all for the Big Society" thought Sara, "that's the sort of meaningless drivel that can get you out of anything."
Just then the screen goes blank and our bemused pensioners are left sitting in the dark. Not for long, they are soon ushered outside. To a non-purposed built room, sometime in the future. "Trust us," says the Council, "we're doing this for your benefit. That's what we do here."
Always proud to serve. (Croydon Council motto)
Always proud to sever. (Croydon Council practice)
The selfish, too dumb to think for themselves, Tory Voters of Croydon will get what they deserve - a ghetto on their doorstep - no doubt they still have enough money left to build bigger more secure fences around their properties to keep the restless peasants out or they'll have to move out to live with their Tory MP
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